How to Organise a Wake Reception: What I’ve Learned After 25 Years

Organising a wake reception is something most people hope they will not have to do very often. When the time comes, you are usually arranging it while grieving, dealing with family, making funeral arrangements and trying to make many decisions in a very short space of time.

At The Tapestry in Mortlake, we have been welcoming families for wake receptions for around 25 years. Over that time, I have learned that a good wake does not need to be complicated or extravagant. It needs to be organised, comfortable and personal. Most importantly, it should give family and friends the opportunity to sit together, talk, tell stories and remember the person who has passed away.

1. Arrange the funeral or cremation first

Usually, your first priority will be confirming the funeral, cremation or burial. Once you know the date and approximate finishing time, you can start looking for a suitable venue for the wake reception.

Location matters more than people sometimes realise. After an emotional ceremony, the last thing you want is for everyone to have a complicated journey to the reception. The Tapestry is in Mortlake, close to Mortlake Crematorium and Mortlake Cemetery, which is one reason we have hosted so many wakes over the years. Wherever you choose, think about travelling time, parking, public transport and accessibility, particularly for elderly guests.

2. Try to get the guest numbers right

This is one of the most important pieces of advice I can give: don't deliberately underestimate your numbers. People sometimes assume that not everybody attending the funeral or cremation will come to the wake. In my experience, if somebody has confirmed that they are coming, there is a very good chance they will come afterwards as well.

The wake is where people finally have an opportunity to relax a little, speak to the family, meet people they may not have seen for years and share their memories. Give the venue the most realistic number you can. A good venue can normally cope with a few unexpected guests, but if 50 people are expected and 75 arrive, food and service can suddenly become rushed.

I also recommend nominating one person as the main contact with the venue. It might be a family member or close friend. This prevents several people giving different instructions on an already difficult day.

3. Keep the food simple and sociable

Food is important at a wake, but people haven't come primarily to eat. They have come to remember somebody. That is why I personally think passing food and finger food work particularly well.

At The Tapestry, we often combine sandwiches with a selection of tapas, skewers and other small dishes that can be passed around the room. Guests don't have to stop their conversations, queue at a buffet or sit down for a formal meal. They can have something to eat while continuing to talk and move around the room. That creates a much more natural atmosphere.

My advice is not to overcomplicate the menu. Make sure there is enough food, provide vegetarian or other dietary options where required, and choose food that is easy to eat while standing and talking. A small dessert, cake or sweet selection towards the end is also a lovely finishing touch.

4. Decide how you want to handle the drinks

You can have an open bar tab, but if you are working to a particular budget, I normally recommend agreeing something more structured with the venue. For example, you might arrange a drinks table with a predetermined number of bottles of red, white and rosé wine, Prosecco and beer, together with plenty of soft drinks and water. You then know approximately what you are spending before the reception starts.

As a rough planning guide, you can allow around one drink per person per hour, although every group is different and not everybody will drink alcohol. Always have plenty of still and sparkling water and good non-alcoholic choices available. Tea and coffee are also worth considering. On a cold winter's day, unlimited tea and coffee can be very welcome.

5. Make the room personal

Ask whether the venue has a screen or television where you can display photographs. A slideshow of family photographs, holidays, birthdays and ordinary moments can be incredibly powerful. Even a simple collection playing quietly in the background brings the person's memory into the room.

You can also create a remembrance table with photographs and a few meaningful objects. A remembrance or condolence book is another lovely idea. Guests can write down memories and messages that the family can read afterwards. Music can also make the reception personal, so consider preparing a playlist of songs the person loved.

6. Tell the venue about anything important beforehand

Tell the venue beforehand if you need wheelchair or step-free access, space for flowers, a remembrance table, a screen for photographs, somewhere to connect a laptop or USB, a microphone for a few words or speeches, particular dietary requirements, space for children, or somewhere safe for coats and personal belongings. It is much easier to arrange these things beforehand than while guests are arriving.

7. Don't feel that you have to host everybody all afternoon

You don't have to be the last person to leave your own wake reception. You have probably already experienced an extremely emotional and exhausting day. Spend time with your guests. Have something to eat. Talk to people. Listen to their stories. When you feel you have had enough, it is perfectly all right to leave.

If you have chosen the right venue, the staff can continue looking after your guests. Some people may stay for another drink and another conversation; others will leave shortly afterwards. Let people come and go naturally. Look after yourself as well.

8. Don't underestimate the importance of the wake

Sometimes people concentrate so much on the funeral itself that the reception afterwards becomes an afterthought. I don't think it should be. The ceremony is obviously incredibly important, but the wake provides something different. It is often the first moment of the day when people can properly speak to each other.

Someone tells a funny story. Someone remembers something you had completely forgotten. Family members meet old friends and colleagues. There may even be laughter — and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. A good wake reception isn't supposed to feel miserable. It is a gathering of people who shared some part of one person's life.

My simple checklist

Confirm the funeral, cremation or burial → choose a convenient venue → give an accurate guest number → agree the food → decide your drinks budget → arrange photographs and music → nominate one family contact → then allow the venue to look after you.

You don't need to make everything perfect. You just need to create a comfortable place where people can be together.

After around 25 years of welcoming families at The Tapestry, that is probably the biggest thing I have learned. People rarely remember whether there were five different sandwiches or six. They remember the conversations. They remember the photographs. They remember seeing an old friend they hadn't seen for twenty years. And they remember being together.

Planning a wake reception near Mortlake Crematorium?

The Tapestry in Mortlake has been helping families with wake receptions for around 25 years. We are close to Mortlake Crematorium and Mortlake Cemetery and welcome families from Mortlake, Richmond upon Thames, East Sheen and the surrounding areas.

If you're organising a wake reception and you're unsure about anything — even if you simply need some advice about numbers, food, drinks or how the afternoon normally works — please feel free to get in touch with me. If I can make a difficult day a little easier for somebody, I'm always happy to help.

Jackson — The Tapestry Tapas Bar, Mortlake, London